teddy bears
by puertoricanjane
Summary: Paula tried taking a needle and thread to one of her teddy bears only once.


She remembered clutching the remnants of her most beloved teddy bear, the one she had cuddled close to many a night in Twoson and had been carrying with her when she got abducted by Carpainter's men; that was the bear Paula had buried her face into for comfort, that she had squeezed tightly to herself as she tried her utmost to be brave. But the cell was so dark and damp and cold and her teardrops continued dripping onto Sir Fuzzworth's head, no matter how furiously she tried to blink them back. When she cried herself out, she remembered wiping at her eyes and forcing a tremulous smile onto her face.

"We'll be alright," she said quietly, feeling like she was six years old again and whispering secrets she trusted with no one but her fuzzy friend. "We're gonna get out of here, just you wait and see. A friend we've never met is coming and if he doesn't, well, I guess I'll just have to bust out of here myself."

She giggled, the sound a touch too hysterical for her liking, but she remembered how good it felt to do something other than cry.

Sir Fuzzworth had been a faithful friend to the end; she could have never predicted when he had been gifted to her by her parents all those years ago that she'd end up losing him the way she did. Not to negligence or a desire to be finally be rid of childish things, but because a monster was bearing down on her and time, there was no time, not for her to lash out with her frying pan or for her to form a psychic attack. Ness couldn't be everywhere at once; he was coming at it from the other side with his bat and in the end it was nothing but instinct, holding her teddy bear up in front of her as she gritted her teeth and tried desperately to hold her ground.

Just like that, he had been reduced to nothing but a pile of fluff. Years of cherished memories torn apart like it was nothing and she felt an almost sick sense of relief because that could have so easily been her. What was an inanimate object compared to her life?

When the battle was won, she felt sick for a much different reason; Paula knew there was no time to spare, especially for something so stupidly sentimental and unimportant, but it was like she was watching from outside herself as she dropped to her knees and quickly collected what little remained of her teddy bear. His head had somehow managed to stay mostly intact so she tucked that under her arm. Ness didn't breathe a word as she worked, only nodding to acknowledge when she finished and then they continued on. She knew she was being ridiculous, but that didn't stop the fuzz-filled pockets of her dress from somehow feeling heavier than ever.

When they went to the drugstore to stock up on supplies before making an attempt at Lilliput Steps, Paula quietly asked Ness for a bit of money for some needle and thread.

"Yeah, no problem," he said, and there was a soft look in his eyes when he pressed a couple dollar bills into her hand; he didn't let go of her hand right away but squeezed once, his fingers impossibly warm on hers, before drawing back to his sides.

Paula let herself smile then because Ness was everything she hoped he'd be and somehow more all at once. A good friend, she thought, and her throat was too tight for words so she hoped she conveyed her gratitude with her eyes. From the way he grinned in return, she thought she succeeded.

That night, she set to work; she narrowed her eyes in concentration as she desperately tried to piece her teddy bear back together so that it was whole again, if not a little worn and frayed around the edges. And she tried, she really did; to the point where her hands shook and her eyes blurred, but there was just no use. Some things broke and just couldn't be put back together again. That was life. And wasn't she silly, staying up all night while her new friend was snoring in bed a few feet away, trying to fix a teddy bear that didn't even matter in the grand scheme of things?

She clasped a hand over her mouth to stifle a half-hysterical giggle as she gazed upon the destroyed remnants of a piece of her childhood. Because Paula realized in that moment that you might not be ready to be rid of childish things, but that will never stop the world from trying to take them away from you.

She left what little there was of Sir Fuzzworth in the trash. He was her first teddy bear but not her last; she accepted her next one from Ness with a smile. But Paula no longer viewed teddy bears as toys or companions; they had become another means of keeping her alive, like her frying pan or her PSI, and she didn't see a point in trying to fix something when its destruction was pretty much inevitable.


End file.
